When you have been waiting, hoping, praying for light, a moment, an answer to the tough questions you have asked of life recently, you never really expect to be heard. It is like you shouting out but no one can hear you because really, who is listening? But one day you wake up and your prayers have been answered and you are filled with relief, amazement, awe and praise.
Well, you may have guessed… we have been given the pregnancy we have cried for, for so long and our little rainbow child is due in October! We are delighted and ecstatic but at the same time scared stiff!
Finally something has come right, after miscarriage, fertility testing, heartache, tears and pain we have the pregnancy we have been hoping for and it is truly wonderful.
However, when it comes down to it… I am terrified! It is like standing on the edge of a cliff, balancing on one leg and hoping nothing happens to push you over because the reality is, if something did happen, and I topple over, I am unsure I will be able to make my way back up to the top.
Pregnancy after loss is complicated and messy. The mix of emotions can be exhausting. I have tried not to think about the pregnancy too much during the early weeks, as if bonding with this baby could break me somehow. Only recently have I begun to feel comfortable and happy about the changes going on in my body.
The truth is, anything can happen and there are no guarantees in life. I guess the only guarantee for me is that I already love this baby. I cannot wait to meet this baby. And I probably will not be able to stop the storm in my head until I actually hold this baby in my arms but most importantly, that feeling all of these things is OK.
Having hubby by my side to talk to and realising he feels the same way, makes me feel less alone. That we are in this together and honestly, as parents, that is exactly where we should be… together!
Thank you to all our family and friends who have been so supportive, caring and understanding to us both. Especially to those that celebrated for us when we felt too scared to. You are all a blessing and our lifeline and we cannot wait to share our little baby with you.